An honest and open conversation about open relationships
Have you ever been rolling around at 3 A.M. unable to sleep because your heart hurts? Broken and suffering from the confusion caused by an unconscious relationship?
We all have.
Today's dating game is one that breeds insecurity, uncertainty and often jealousy.
So here you are, a grown ass adult, scrolling through your beloved's social media page, in the modern day version of picking flower petals searching for clues and insight into whether he or she loves you or not.
The tagged photos of her with him don't help. Neither do the heart eyed emojis he just posted on that bitch's Instagram.
It was just Saturday that you woke up next to each other, had breakfast and parted ways by noon.
You thought this was something special. The possible beginning of a real relationship. The kind of soul fulfilling connection you haven't had since high school.
Before you realize it the sun is coming up and your tears have dried into the type of morning eye crust that screams emotional trauma.
It's time for work or working out, and for a change you welcome the responsibility, desperate for anything to distract yourself from the pain you're actually feeling.
You can't understand how this always happens to you.
You're smart, sexy and sophisticated, yet more often than not, you find yourself sleeping alone.
You're desperate for someone to find you, to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, to recognize what you offer and claim you as their one true love.
To experience for yourself the storybook ending. To be swept off your feet and hear the sounds of cans dragging behind that vintage convertible Rolls Royce as your friends and families watch you drive down the street.
Ok Wongi. Geezus. We get it.
The concept of relationships is distorted but even that common knowledge doesn't help us feel any better about how things turned out.
Maybe it's you?
Maybe relationships aren't your cup of tea, or weed in your joint?
Perhaps you need to be in an open relationship, where anything goes and you're both free to do and be with whoever you want.
Then finally you'll get some fucking sleep.
You'll become accountable only to yourself and enjoy true freedom, liberated from societies conception of what relationships are supposed to look and feel like.
That doesn't imply that you'll become oblivious to other's feelings. On the contrary you will be completely response able. No longer reactionary, but open to express what you're truly feeling in your heart and mind.
Open relationships are not merely the option to enjoy sexual partners, but to be honest and truthful in all interactions between ourselves and others.
Why else commit the time, energy and effort to be with somebody but to share the depths of our being and what is occurring inside of us?
For too long relationships have been associated with possessiveness, with both women and men being claimed as property, subjected to rules and limited to titles that restrict both individuals and love.
No relationship has ever been preserved by a status change. No love ever expanded by limiting the choices of our lovers.
If love is anything it is freedom. Freedom to be oneself. To care whole heartedly for the happiness and satisfaction of our partners.
To recognize who they are and allow them choice is the highest respect we can show each other.
Anything else is closure. An insult to the consciousness of the people we claim to care about most.
Most conflict comes from an inability to relinquish control.
As a species we have a propensity to move towards comfort. To seek ideal conditions. Except more often than not it is our very attempt at maintaining the familiar that deprives us optimal experiences for growth.
Like how many times have you stayed with a relationship way beyond what was good for you? Then looking back you can hardly believe you allowed yourself to be miserable for so long.
We want to make things work. We want to control our circumstances, to be able to rely on someone to be there for us so that we're not so isolated.
But things change. People change, and thus relationships change.
A lot like surfing. You're either going to evolve with the conditions or miss a lot of waves.
That's what people are doing. They're swimming in the same place just waiting and hoping that the right wave or person comes along. But surfing doesn't work that way, you have to be aware of your environment, paddle a bit and position and prepare properly so that you give yourself a chance at a good ride.
Relationships are exactly the same. What's happening now is the only moment that matters. You're not even as good as your last wave because before you realize it there is a tsunami heading your way and unless you paddle in, you're going to drown.
Lovers everywhere are struggling to keep their heads above water because they refuse to be totally honest and open with either themselves or their partners.
They're afraid to admit their desires because of perception or discuss reality due to how it might make the other person feel.
So we go about our day suppressing our emotions and casually and unconsciously continuing the familiar conversation and interaction until something significant wakes us from our slumber.
Usually it takes painful, unacceptable or embaressing situations for us to speak our truth. But by then the damage has been done and the circumstances circumvent any love that was there.
Healthy and beneficial relationships aren't always the ones that last the longest. They are the one's that penetrate the deepest. Those that encourage growth. That allow us to feel and permit us totally and completely to be us; sexually, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
It might only last for a evening, or a lifetime, but duration is not a measure of relational success. Intimacy is.
Gardens require nurturing. No particular moment is more essential than the next. Every instance matters. Otherwise the moment you stop caring and paying attention situations sabatoge your crop.
Seeds can take years to fully blossom. So our only work is to remain present. Perpetually aware and put forth our best effort for cultivation.
In agriculture this means the right balance and combination of soil, water, sun, nutrition.
In love culture this equates to communication, expression and enjoyment.
Get it right and your crop will flower and fill the world with a fragrance of joy.
But understand that nothing continues to grow indefinitely.
Eventually everything dies. So accept it.
Let your love die every night so that each morning it is born anew.
Fresh. Vital and open to the possibilities of now.
Wongi is the author and founder of Practically Enlightened, spirituality for smart people. Discover more truth by following him on FB or IG @iamwongi